Grasping for Life rewrite
by Babs567
Summary: Ruthie Camden has lost the man she has loved-and will always love-and all it took was one mistake and one regret. Will Ruthie be able to move on before it's too late? Please R&R! Chapter 8 up-sequel soon!
1. Chapter 1

Well, I've thought about it, and I decided to re-write Grasping for Life.

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, although I wish I did. _

_Genre: Romance/General_

_Rating: PG-13_

**Grasping for Life (re-write)**

****

Ruthie Camden closed on her best friend's fingers; this was it. This was good-bye, forever.

"I love you, Ruthie," Peter said, kissing his girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, gently on the lips. It was perhaps their most meaningful kiss, and they had shared quite a few. Ruthie dared not to pull away; she only wanted him closer.

But eventually, he had to. "Good-bye, Ruthie," he whispered, stroking her cheek. And then he turned and fled into woods, with Ruthie watching, her heart only wanting him more and more…

And she let the tears fall just as there was a clap of thunder and it began to pour, sliding down her cheeks, landing on the broken branches and twigs beneath her feet, and she didn't move.

"Ruthie?" A hand was suddenly felt upon her shoulder. She turned, her face tear-stained.

"I didn't want him to go," she sobbed, burying her face in his chest.

"I know you didn't Ruthie," Simon said, stroking his sister's hair. They had been best friends when they were younger, and then their lives had drifted…now Simon was able to feel the pain with his sister, and hurt along with her.

"I really didn't want him to leave," she repeated.

"He had to," Simon whispered, his face pale. "Ruthie, he had to move on, and his mistake will leave with him forever."

"But why couldn't he have stayed here?" Ruthie asked, pulling away. "Dad and Chandler could have helped him…"

"And what good with that do, Ruthie? He did what he did. Things would only be worse for him here."

And in that one week, her life had changed. She was boyfriend less, miserable and worried about the upcoming year…junior year was coming to an end, and Ruthie was glad. She hated seeing those cold, painful faces as Ruthie walked by to her locker. Ruthie had been the girlfriend of a traitor. Of a killer.

"Come on, Ruthie. Let's go home," Simon said, as he stood, brushing his pants off from the dirt.

And Ruthie followed Simon, as he led her out of the woods, out of danger…but danger would only haunt her until she let go. ****

**Let me know what you think of this re-write!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for your reviews! This chapter will be a bit long, and this will be a bit different then from the original story, but I hope you enjoy this one just the same.**

Ruthie awoke the next morning, the sun pouring into her bedroom through the closed curtains and the smell of pancakes and coffee filling her bedroom from downstairs. Ruthie rolled over to block the sunlight from her face. She wished for rain and something not as tasty; it suited her gloomy mood.

After several long minutes she gave up, and opened the curtains, letting the sunlight pour into her room.

After using the bathroom, she headed downstairs, only to hear quiet voices in the kitchen.

"I'm worried about her." Simon.

"Simon, it's all right. She'll be okay." Lucy.

"Yeah, but they're best friends-they've been through everything together since they were preteens, and now…"

"Peter didn't mean to do what he did…did he?"

Simon sighed, "You know Luce, I think he did. I think he did it intentionally."

"But why? Peter was always a great kid."

"I know, Lucy, but he was angry, and instead of blaming himself he blamed others."

Lucy looked as if she were ready to cry. Ruthie stiffened. Peter was gone, and she might never see him again. It was time for her to move on, and to forget.

She slowly walked down the stairs. Simon looked up and forced a smile. "Good morning Ruthie, how did you sleep?"

She glared. "How well do you think?" she asked, opening the fridge and poured some orange juice into a glass.

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter. Who's taking me to school?"

"You aren't going," Simon said. "Mom and Dad said you could stay home today."

Ruthie nodded. "Shouldn't you be at class?"

"Not today."

Ruthie turned up the stairs, and as soon as she disappeared, she heard Lucy whisper, "I'm sorry, Ruthie."

Lying down on the bed, her head began to ache…but her heart ached much more. "I thought I loved you, Peter," she whispered, "But you abandoned me." Her eyes slowly drifted close, and she drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

_A hand lay gently on Ruthie's shoulder. "Ruthie, honey, wake up." And Ruthie awoke, glancing at Peter's twinkling blue eyes, his blonde hair, his smiles, his happiness. But something wasn't right._

_ "Peter?" she tried to touch him-but her hand went through his body._

_ "I'm with you, Ruthie, forever." _

_ Tears trickled down Ruthie's cheeks. "No, Peter, please come back!" He shook his head. "I can't come back to you, but I will be in your heart forever. Don't forget me and what we have shared." And then Peter drifted away, Ruthie crying, "Peter, please come back…" _

And then Ruthie awoke, her face drenched with sweat, but she was shaking all over.

She heard hushed voices downstairs. Creeping slowly down the stairs she tried to listen:

"I'll go talk to Ruthie now," Annie Camden's voice was heard. And then Ruthie heard footsteps.

She hurried back up to her room and pulled the covers up to her chest, and pretended to be sleeping.

"Ruthie, wake up please." Ruthie pretended to slowly open her eyes. Her mother tried to force a smile although her eyes glistened with tears, "I knew you were listening. How much did you hear?"

"Only that you wanted to talk to me."

Annie nodded, "Yes." Her father, Reverend Eric Camden joined them. "Ruthie," Eric began, "There really is no easy way to say this." He took a deep breath and said, "Peter was killed; the police believe he shot himself. A gun lay next to him in the woods."

Ruthie just stared; she didn't say anything.

"I'm so sorry," Annie said, trying to hug her daughter. Ruthie didn't move. Her love, the man she had wanted-expected-to marry, gone for the rest of her life?

"We thought you'd like to go to the funeral. You can stay home another day," Eric said.

Ruthie nodded. Her parents quickly hugged her, although she hardly felt anything, and then left her alone.

She glanced at the picture on her dresser in its frame a picture of Peter, smiling as he sat on the porch at the back of the Camden residence. It had been taken two years before, when they had begun high school.

She sighed. Her perfect world was slowly turning upside down.

**I hope you guys are enjoying this! I'm enjoying writing this dark fanfic, because I love dark sides. Don't get me wrong; happy stories are great too, but I'm in the mood for something a little, I don't know, _darker_****. **

** Please read and review! They encourage me to write.**

**-Babs567**


	3. Chapter 3

**I decided to continue writing this. I'm sorry I've been away from it for so long, but I'm glad I still had some readers! Thanks! **

_Chapter three_

"Ruthie?" Lucy called to her sister, quietly. It was now mid-afternoon, the sun was shining brightly, and yet Ruthie had closed the shades.

She glanced at her sister. Lucy was a very pretty young woman; she was blonde with sparkling blue eyes. But now that she a four year old daughter, Kate, and expecting another child within a few months, she looked even prettier—even if she was considerably heavier. And yet she looked afraid right now. Ruthie noticed fear in her sister's eyes.

"Yes?" Ruthie asked, trying to sound normal, but noticed the tenseness in her voice.

"Um…I'm going to take Kate to the park. Would you like to come?"

Ruthie shook her head. Lucy nodded, "Okay. If you change your mind…"

"I won't." Lucy nodded again and headed back downstairs. Ruthie sighed, as her stomach growled. Glancing at her nightstand, the clock read four. _No wonder I'm so hungry, _she thought. _I haven't eaten anything since breakfast_.

She slowly made her way downstairs, hoping that no one would hear her. She wasn't in the mood to be confronted by anybody.

Unfortunately, she did not have much luck. Kevin Kinkirk, Lucy's husband and her brother-in-law, was eating a sandwich in the kitchen.

Kevin was a police officer; a nice man, a good father, brother and husband, but one thing he was not good about was to mind his own business—especially in cases like this.

Ruthie guessed she and Kevin were a lot alike, at least when Ruthie was younger; but now that she was getting older, she wanted privacy, especially about her personal life.

But Kevin was too nosy to notice this. "So, how are you?" he asked.

"Fine."

"You know, we're worried about you and we know something is going on."

"My boyfriend just shot himself! That's what's going on!"

"But you know something."

"What?"

"Why he killed himself; you know why he left. You're hiding something, Ruthie."

"So what if I know? I don't have to tell. Besides, does it really matter now that he's gone?"

"So why don't you talk about it if it doesn't matter anymore?"

"Because I don't want to," she replied, as she headed back upstairs with a sandwich in her hand.

The back door opened as soon as Ruthie disappeared. "Daddy!" Kate exclaimed, jumping into her father's arms.

"Hey, Katie," he said, kissing his daughter.

"Won't talk?" Lucy asked.

"She won't tell me anything. She spoke, but refuses to tell what she's hiding."

Lucy sighed, "She's probably just shocked about Peter's death. Give her time to heal. She'll talk when she's ready."

"Lucy…Ruthie knows something."

"I know, but still. She's a human, too. We can't force her."

Kevin nodded as he kissed her. "How's the little one?" he asked, gently touching her stomach. She smiled, "Doing fine. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's been kicking."

"Lucy, do you want to find out the sex soon?"

"We never did with Kate," Lucy replied. "No, I want it to be a surprise."

"I'm going to be a big sister!" Kate exclaimed happily. Kevin laughed, "Yes, Sweetie, you are."

"What happened at the park?" Kevin asked. "You guys have only been there for half hour."

Before Lucy could reply, there was a big clap of thunder. "Ohh," Kevin groaned.

"Exactly," she replied.

Ruthie heard the thunder, too. She smiled. Perfect for her mood. But all she could feel was misery, loneliness and the tears threatened to fall from her face, but she blinked them back. Crying would not help bring him back. She needed to be strong—to continue life as if Peter had never come into it.

As another clap of thunder sounded, she shivered, the name still coming back into her head. _Why did you leave me, Peter?_

Ruthie Camden was strong; she could handle anything. But was she sure she could handle Peter's death, and the mysteries behind it?

**Please, please read and review! Thank you.**


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you all for reviewing and being so patient. Here is chapter four!_

Summary: _A month later, Ruthie is still grieving, when she comes to make a tough decision_.

"Ruthie!" Annie called to her daughter, "Let's go!"

When she did not see Ruthie appear, she turned to Eric. "You need to talk to her. Her attitude is not helping us. We let her be angry, but it's been a month and I'm getting tired of this."

Eric nodded, as Ruthie finally appeared and slowly went downstairs. "Have a good day Ruthie," Annie told her daughter.

"Yeah, yeah," Ruthie replied dryly as she collected money from her mother and headed out the back door.

Annie shot Eric a serious look. Eric nodded again. "I'll talk to her," he promised.

"Good." And then Eric kissed his wife and left. Annie sighed as she bean to do the dishes.

_'Have a good day' _her mother's voice rang in her head, as she collected her books for first period. Although her mother said that ever since Peter's death, Ruthie had never seemed to believe it. Every day had been miserable.

And so she decided to do something to do about it.

When she entered her house, her mother was waiting for her. "How was your day?" she asked. Annie rarely asked her daughter how her day was, unless something was wrong; but she had been especially careful since Peter's death.

"Fine," Ruthie replied, like she had all the other days.

"Dinner should be ready shortly."

"But it's only five thirty."

"Yes, well, I was an early start this morning. Why don't you bring your homework in here and keep me company?"

"Look Mom, I know what you're trying to do, so stop it. I'm ot doing my homework in the kitchen." And then she headed upstairs.

Once safely in her room, she shut her door, and paced back and forth. _'Should I go through with this?' _She was wondering, but she knew she would. There was no other way.

I'm so sorry it's so short, but here is a little cliffhanger. I hope to update sooner than I have done in the past with this story. I may actually finish it!

**Thanks for your reviews!**


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, everyone! I'm sorry I haven't updated for a few days—I've been really busy with school and stuff. Here is my next chapter, though.

_Summary: __Ruthie tries to put her plan into action, but something stops her._

Ruthie knew it was risky to do it in the Camden household. It was such a packed place, and Ruthie had loved it when she was younger. But now she hated it. She wanted to be alone, and apparently, the bathroom was the only place to get any privacy.

"Ruthie," Annie yelled from downstairs, "Dinner is ready!" Ruthie glanced at her clock on the nightstand. 6:06.

Kevin poked his head into her bedroom a minute later. "Are you joining us?"

"Mom just called me down, so just give me some time to go downstairs!" Ruthie exclaimed.

"Well, Ruthie, I was just curious, because you haven't been joining us lately," Kevin replied, slightly taken aback by her tone.

"Curious? You were curious? Well, leave me alone! Don't I get any privacy around here?" Ruthie yelled, as she jumped up and brushed past Kevin.

"What's going on?" Lucy asked, as she joined Kevin as they heard the bathroom door slam.

"She's upset," Kevin replied turning to his wife, "And it's my fault. I asked her if she was joining us for dinner. I shouldn't have been so nosy."

"It's not your fault," Lucy replied. "She hasn't been in good moods lately, and I'm getting tired of it." Lucy sighed, as a tear trickled down her cheek. "I want to help her, but I don't know how."

Kevin embraced his wife lovingly. "Honey, when she's ready for help, she'll come and ask. All you can do is be there for her."

Lucy nodded, "You're right."

Inside the bathroom, Ruthie glared angrily at the mirror. She hated her family, hated school, hated Peter, but most of all, hated herself.

_"It's best if I'm not alive. Then people won't have to worry about me." _She glanced in the bathroom cabinets, hoping to find pills or something sharp. But all she found was a note. The pills and razors had been cleared out of them.

Ruthie, being nosy, assumed that it was meant for a different member of the family, but decided to read it anyway.

_Ruthie,_

_If you think about killing yourself, then you are not just hurting yourself, but you will cause grief and pain to your entire family. You are being selfish, just like Peter had been. He had been selfish killing the man intentionally, and you have been selfish by being nasty to those who have tried to reach out to you the most. _

_ Don't be Peter, Ruthie. Don't kill yourself. Instead, ask for help, because I love you and I don't want to see you grieve any longer. _

_Love,_

_A Friend_

Ruthie set down the note, puzzled. Peter was the only one who would send her those sort-of notes, but he was dead.

Ruthie opened the bathroom and walked out, as she bumped into Simon. "We were just looking for you! We've been waiting for awhile."

"I was just going to dinner."

Simon smiled. "Good." And then he began to walk ahead, as Ruthie followed, wondering who could have sent her the mysterious note.

_The way this story is going, it will be different from my other "Grasping for Life." _

_Review, please. Thank you._


	6. Chapter 6

_I've been so busy with schoolwork…but I'm updating now. Please forgive me for not updating sooner! _

Endless possibilities ran through her head all through dinner. Her mother? Her father? Probably not. Simon? Matt? No, she didn't think so.

Robbie and Ben didn't live near here, and she didn't see them anywhere in the house, so it couldn't have been them.

"Ruthie," her mother said, interrupting her thoughts. "Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Please pass the salad," Eric called from the end of the table. Ruthie passed the salad and poked her spaghetti with her fork.

"You hardly touched your dinner," Annie commented. "Maybe you should get some sleep."

"Okay. Good night." She stood up and walked upstairs. Annie glanced at her husband, and gave him one those 'Have you talked to her yet?'

Eric shook his head.

"I suggest you do it soon," Annie said finally. "Before her life hits rock bottom."

"First of all, we don't know that it hasn't already. Secondly, what makes you sure I can get through to her?"

Annie shot another Look. But this time, it was a signal for the kids to leave. Kevin and Lucy got the hint and took Sam and David upstairs.

"Eric, hitting rock bottom is either starving herself or killing herself and I don't think she has reached that just yet…but if we don't talk to her soon, she might. She just might."

"And what makes you so sure I can get through to her?" Eric asked again.

"You're a minister, Eric. This is your job."

"But it's different with your children, Annie."

"Still, I think you should try before she does something stupid. You've always been good with this. Be gentle with her. Please, just try."

"All right." Eric stood up. "I'll talk to her now."

"Thank you."

"What do you think is going on?" Lucy asked, as she paced back and forth in their apartment.

"You know it has something to do with Ruthie," Kevin replied, as he sat on a chair. "She has been the main focus for the past month. Maybe you should talk to her."

"Me?"

"She's your sister," Kevin replied. And suddenly, the death of Sarah hit her hard. _'How could I have been so stupid?'_ Lucy thought.

"I will," Lucy said, and gave her husband a quick kiss before going to talk to her sister.

A man watched from a window with binoculars. Yes, the person loved her and was going to do anything he could to prevent her from making a huge mistake.

_So there it is, chapter six typed up! Again, I apologize for not updating regularly!_

**_Please R&R_**


	7. Chapter 7

_Hi guys! Sorry for not updating these past couple of weeks, school has been hectic…_

_Summary: Eric tries to talk to Ruthie, and then he and Lucy talk._

"Ruthie?" Eric nodded quietly. "Ruthie?"

"Go away, Dad. I don't want to talk to anyone!"

"You can't hide your pain forever. You need to talk to someone."

"I would talk to Peter…"

"Ruthie! How can you trust Peter? He betrayed you, he tore you apart. He killed himself."

"Dad, I love him. We were going to get married the summer after graduation."

"You can't be serious."

"I am serious. I loved him, Dad, and I still do. I always will."

"I still think you should talk to someone."

"It's been a month, Dad. I can handle it."

Eric sighed.

"Dad, no! I don't need help."

"Well, if you do…"

"But I don't. Good night!" Ruthie snapped.

Eric sighed as he walked down the stairs from the attic.

"Is she okay? How did it go?" Lucy asked, meeting him at the bottom.

"She claims she doesn't need help."

"She's lying, Dad. I know she is. She's in denial about his death, just like I was about Sarah's." Tears glistened in Lucy's eyes. "She's handling it differently, of course, but I know how she's feeling. She's scared, Dad."

"Do you want to try?" Eric asked, just as the doorbell rang. Lucy nodded, and Eric went downstairs to see who it was.

Next chapter you will probably find out who wrote the note. Please read and review!


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey, everyone! I'm so sorry for not updating sooner, but I've been really busy, but I had the update now. Thank you so much for reviewing!_

Lucy knocked softly on her sister's bedroom door. "Ruthie?" she called out softly to her sister, whose back was turned.

"Lucy, I don't want to talk about it."

"I know you, Ruthie."

Ruthie turned and sat up. Her eyes were cold and hard, and full of hatred. It was as if with every passing day since his death, she felt colder and turned nastier. "And what do you mean by that?"

"You're me, Ruthie. You're in denial about Peter's death."

"I don't understand, Luce. You're not in denial about Peter's death."

"No, but I was about Sarah's. I thought everything was my fault, even though the accident wasn't my fault. You did nothing wrong, Ruthie. It was Peter's decision to end his life. We might believe it's wrong, but that's his fault. It's his fault, Ruthie, and not yours."

Ruthie made no comment. She stared at Lucy cold and hard for a few minutes, and no sound was heard from either of them. And then, without warning, Ruthie's feet sprung over the side of the bed. She jumped up, grabbed the one thing on her nightstand, and ran out of the room.

"Ruthie!" Lucy shouted, and she ran after her sister.

"No!" Ruthie yelled facing her sister, as she stood outside in the hall. "My life will never be the same again! How can I live in happiness when I made such a mistake to end his life? It's not his fault for his death! It's mine, all mine!" and she fell onto her floor, crying and shaking.

"Ruthie," Lucy said gently, as she knelt down beside her sister.

"No!" Ruthie yelled again, and began waving her arms frantically, in all directions.

"Ruthie!" Lucy yelled, as she tried to grab hold of her.

"It's my fault, all my fault! Nothing will ever be the same again!" And she took the thing she had put her pocket from the nightstand: a knife.

"Ruthie, no!" Lucy yelled, as she tried to grab it away from her sister. "Give it to me, Ruthie!"

"No!" Lucy grabbed Ruthie…and suddenly, it cut into Ruthie's wrist.

And the next thing the two saw, was a pool of blood falling onto the floor.

"Ruthie!" Lucy yelled, and she ran downstairs.

"Thank you Martin," Eric said, shaking his hand. "You did a good thing by writing that note. Without you, I think Ruthie would have killed herself by now."

"You're welcome, Reverend Camden. I love Ruthie, and I couldn't watch her suffer like this."

"Maybe now she'll think twice before taking those pills."

"Dad!" Lucy yelled as she ran into the living room.

Kevin quickly stood up as he saw his wife's terrified eyes. "Luce? What's wrong?"

"Ruthie…giant cut in her arm…blood…" And then she fainted.

Everything happened quickly. Annie and Eric rushed upstairs; Martin called the ambulance with his cell phone; and Kevin ran to get cold water for his wife.

But as soon as Eric and Annie got upstairs, Ruthie was nowhere in the hall. They checked all of the bedrooms, and that's when they saw the open window with the wind blowing gently in the trees on the black, cold night.

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I hope to have a sequel up soon, but it may take time, as I also want to get my next chapter of "A Golden Star" up, and with homework and all…

Thank you for reading!


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